Huge horns

It was with great pleasure that I informed Argus that a "Spanish team found a direct link between the length and complexity of a buck's horns and the quality of its sperm."

As dominant males in our locale, we often discuss our height and strength advantages over the lower-status men. This may or may not involve routine bullying: Systematic yet unpredictable beatings which remind the boys who the men are.

Enough prison stories, back to the science. The Spanish researchers are only proving what evolutionary psychologists have been saying for years. Women are attracted to success, so men keen on passing on their DNA should display their potency.

And now you know why we put product in our hair.