One Last Visit With Ed

It's been a few days since Ed's traumatic accident. I thought I could stop by and sort of see how he's doing and everything. It's the least I could do, since he has been estranged from his family for the past eight years.

There was an incident, you see. Babies were involved, and restraining orders. And leather. It's all I can say, I'm sorry.

Anyway, as a Handsomes team member, I thought an interview with the original mastermind of the Handsomes project might be a fun idea. And besides, I had nothing else to do yesterday:

Me: Hey there, Ed!

Ed: Guh.

Me: Hey, you doin' okay, big guy? You maybe wan' a so-da? You wan' some ice-cream?

Ed: I have no lips, you dumbass.

Me: Sorry, I didn't catch all of that. Your mouth looks sort of like corned beef now, did you know that?

Ed: (moan)

Me: Man, my arms hurt. I've been working out a lot lately. Do my arms look bigger? I feel so strong today!

Ed: Nurse...

Me: Or maybe I'm just sore from all that sex I had last night.

Ed: NURSE!

Me: I'm just horsing around, take it easy. How's the hospital been for you?

Ed: Terrible. Just...just awful, it's so hard to describe.

Me: Really? Why, what's the matter?

Ed: The nurses. The...the nurses.

Me: Yes...the nurses?

Ed: They all look like men. They're so ugly, dude...(starts to cry)

Me: Oh...that's horrible, man. I'm so sorry.

Ed: (weeping) I thought...I mean, there's new, young nurses aren't there? Can't even one of them be assigned to old Ed? The horror...the horror.

Me: Yikes.

Ed: The pain meds they gave me have constipated me. I finally took a crap this morning, and I thought a brick landed in the bedpan. It was like sandpaper on my soft, baby skin.

Me: Hey, what skin? Ha ha ha! I'm just kidding.

Ed: I need a favour, man.

Me: Shoot.

Ed: Remember that five bucks I gave you? For breakfast that one time?

Me: Yeah, I gave that back to you...I bought you a pint, remember?

Ed: Oh...oh, yeah.

Me: What do you need though?

Ed: You're my friend, right? Say you're my friend.

Me: What? Yeah, of course I'm your friend...?

Ed: Clean me.

Me: What!

Ed: I'm dirty, man...down there...you said you're my friend, right? Don't make me beg, dude...you don't know what it's like for me here. Don't make me ask like this. I stink...I'm not even human anymore...look at me, man! I'm just a head! I'm just this goddam immobile head, stuck here under this blanket...and my stinking genitals make those ugly-ass nurses look at me like a heap of crap or something...

Me: The nurses...

Ed: I told you about them! Fuck the nurses! No more nurses...please, man...I need this. The sponge is in the drawer...be gentle. Use light strokes.

Me: I've got to go.

Ed: You're dead to me, man.