Fond Recollection #1

Ladies. Gentlemen. Hello.

Ed has shuffled off into the long, dark night. I think a virtual wake would be appropriate, so I'm going to take my reluctant turn at the podium. I'll share my few brief glimpses of Ed's life with you. Today I'd like to share our introduction to one another.

I first met Ed when I got lost in the hospital two weeks ago. I was there trying to score some Dromazapan pills. I was rifling through the laundry desperately trying to find some doctor's whites so I could stroll about with impunity in my quest for keys to the prescription cabinet. I hoped to satisfy my cravings and, if I got lucky, snag some liquid morphine which would finance my gasoline for a month.

My only mistake was no fault of mine. No, it was the very hand of fate intervening to change my life forever. I did not securely close the laundry room door, and as I rifled through the used uniforms the door slowly and silently swung wide open.

I paid no attention to the sound of the squeaking gurney as it approached. I was intently smelling the armpits of one unstained overcoat when I heard something like a voice.

"Mrrrgellep!"

My body froze, but my eyes upturned to see a horizontal mummy rolling by. The pilot of the gurney paid no heed to the gurgly mumblings, but I saw one eyeball peeking out from a bandaged head, and one cockeyed arm tried to lift and point me out. It shuddered and collapsed back to the cart.

At this point I had no idea whether Ed was a friendly or not. He might rat me out. All it would take is one lone nurse taking the time to decipher his frenzied scribbling on a notepad and I'd be toast. Security would comb the house of healing with billy clubs and barking dogs. They'd find me and rip my face clean off. Then I'd be in the same boat as Ed. No good.

I stuffed the coat into my pants, creating a considerable bulge. The odds of finding a clean one in my extremely tall size are astronomical and unlikely to be repeated. I didn't want to risk it disappearing. I would've simply worn it, but it wouldn't match my Celine Dion 2002 European Tour t-shirt. Staff would be suspicious and my gig would be up.

I scampered after the squeaking trolley and discreetly followed it back to Ed's room. I loitered in his hallway for nearly an eternity. Finally Ed's nurse departed. As she/he/it walked by I whistled to indicate my innocence. My whole posture screamed "I am benign, I belong here, pay no attention, I am a good person." The nurse farted away.

I hustled into the room and Ed began gibbering again. A saliva bubble grew until it popped at the end of his feeding tube, which I had just disconnected. I jumped into his bed and straddled his torso. I leaned in very, very close to his wrapped head.

I began to whisper. "Listen, you mutilated sack of mealworms. If you talk about what you saw! If you try to tell them-"

I pointed to the door.

"-Anything! Then I'll get you. If you think you have the slightest chance of spoiling my fun, you are wrong. Dead wrong. Get it? I swear to you, I'll come back."

I will not be taken lightly. To make my point I strangled him for thirty seconds. I stopped and allowed him to breathe when the respirator started beeping. As he regained his breath he flailed his head up and down. He obviously wanted to indicate his assent.

I made a big show of reading his clipboard and writing down his name and room number.

As I made to exit, I stopped and turned back to the crippled shadow of a man.

"Remember."