Olive Mash

"Okay, here's what we're gonna do. I have the anal glands. You have the needles, right Tommy?"

"Yeah. They're for diabetes, but I think-"

"Shut up, Tommy, you don't get to think. They'll work fine. Austin, do you have that weird glowing fertilizer shit?"


"Yeah, but my dad's gonna kill me if he finds out I was takin-"

"Shut up, Austin, nobody cares if you get in trouble."

"Steve, where did you get anal glands?"

"I went to the animal shelter last night. They got all kinds of unwanted dogs there. No alarms. I just knocked a couple of em out and used my pocketknife to pry the butt sacs out. Dog ass smells real fuckin bad. Fuckin dogs. Their shit'll be lubed with blood for a couple days, but that'll win em even more sympathy. Mangy fuckers'll be adopted in no time. If I didn't accidentally cave in their skulls when I popped em. Now stop asking me questions. That goes for both of you."

"Why are we doing this again?"

"God, you really are dumber than a box of crayons, Tommy. I told you. We're gonna mix this doggy butt stink potion with this fertilizer. Then we're gonna go to the vice principal's house and throw rocks and smokebombs through the front window. When he comes running out, all we gotta do whack him on the head with a baseball bat. I dunno if he's got a wife or kids, so we all gotta bring bats. Then we shoot this stuff into his face with your sick kid needles, Tommy. That'll teach him not to give me detention again."

"I don't think this'll work. I think you're gonna get us in trouble. Big trouble. He'll see our faces."

"Fuck you Austin. You don't know shit. This isn't like the time I told you guys we could melt that payphone. This time I studied. I read through my fifth, sixth, and seventh grade textbooks, and I fucked around all week with that chemistry kit I got for Christmas two years ago. I'm an expert. I could probably work for the government now if I want."

"Whatever."

"Austin, look. Do you or do you not want to see Mr. Hamlin grow assholes all over his body? I know I do. He'll be shitting his socks, pants, and shirt all at once while puking even more shit. He'll have to quit and go to the hospital or to Betty Ford. It'll be great. I can just see him squeezing guacamole ducksnot out a bunch of brown rubber vaginas where his cheeks used to be. Come on guys. Have you no imagination? Have you no sense of wonder?"

"..."

"So who's with me?"

"..."

"Good. Let's get to work."