Final Recollection

I feel great. My period of grueling convalescence is over. My elbow is healed. My prescriptions are legal. Before I move on to brighter subjects and greener pastures, I must share with you the matter of Ed's final moments. I was there to witness his death.

Before I wrap up my podium time here at the wake... what, no laughs? Come on, don't you get it? Wrap up! A little bandage humor! Yikes. Nevermind. Not appropriate. I figured Ed would like it. He was so keen on puns and levity. Not a family trait, apparently. Anyways.

As I was saying, before I pass the microphone to Ed's mother so she can share his childhood triumphs, I have to tell you his last words.

He said "Fuck you! I'm gonna have your kidneys for breakfast aaaaaaaghghghhgkkkk-"

Allow me to explain. By this time I was mobile. I would say ambulatory but that'd be a crass choice of words. Ahem. Across the room, Ed was recovering steadily. He'd regained enough dexterity to pivot his forearms and point his fingers.

We'd been playing Monopoly. I was cruising to an easy win on the strength of full sets of Yellow and Dark Blue. Ed had picked the scotty dog, even though I warned him that the player with the battleship usually wins. Me.

I called a timeout and excused myself to the washroom. I excreted a frothy paste composed of bile, carrot, and white bread. Hospital food sucks. It took me forever to wipe my ass. I still didn't feel clean when I gave up. I gave myself an intentional wedgie before returning to the game. My underpants would be my surrogate itching fingers when my ass felt swampy or squirmy.

This unsatisfying voiding fouled my winner's mood. When I returned to the game board I saw that Ed had stolen all the orange 500 bills from the box and had removed my hotels from Park Place and Boardwalk. My mood soured further. I immediately accused him of cheating.

"You owe me four hotels and I'm taking every 500 in your stack and putting it back in the bank. Nice try, fucko."

As I leaned over to reach for his paper he poked me in the right eye. By reflex I stood up. He took the obvious opportunity and he clumsily punched my genitals. I would've fallen were it not for Ed's IV wire, which I grabbed to steady my balance. As a result I ripped a quill of needles from Ed's torso, resulting in him squealing in agony.

He shocked me by speaking those aforementioned final words. He'd been playing the drooling imbecile all week. Unbeknownst to me he'd regained his speaking capacity some time before, no doubt reserving it for requesting sex from Argus and Wino. He must have figured I'm out of his league, which is absolutely correct.

I needed to quiet his keening cries of agony. I also needed to quiet the furious demons rampaging within my mind, howling for retribution and blood sacrifice.

So I killed him. He wanted those 500s? I gave them to him. I stuffed them into his mouth, effectively muffling his noise and blocking his airflow. I flipped him off the bed and he splayed helpless and facedown on the cold linoleum. I ground my footheel into the back of his head, pressing his delicate face downwards to prevent him from spitting out the soggy fake cash. Then I got more enthusiastic. I started stomping, mashing all that careful reconstructive facial surgery back into shards and flaps.

I heard him sob and cry through the paper jam. I would not relent. This time, my choke job would be final. I knelt atop him and used one hand to cover his wet mouth and nostrils, and the other to cover his lone exposed eye. He would die in the dark. I will not tolerate cheating. I'm not proud of my actions, but in my defense...

He started it.