Fond Recollection #2

Early last week I was shuffling aimlessly down the sidewalk enjoying my buzz when I nearly got flattened by a speeding ambulance. It came careening around the corner, sirens wailing, and it clipped my elbow. I should've been using the sidewalk instead of the bicycle lane, but my brain was addled and stupid on that particular day. I was also operating under a severe vitamin deficiency and possibly scurvy. The ambulance sped along to its destination while I stood there in my bathrobe and slippers, clutching my elbow, whimpering.

I followed the hollering siren. I knew the hospital was less than a mile west and made directly for it. I decided I would sue the ambulance driver for malpractice. Or some comparable offense. At the very least they would have to treat my elbow with some gauze and splint. There was no white or red paint on my limb to prove any guilt, but I wasn't a chrome bumper so such a telltale sign certainly wouldn't be required.

I ambled up to the foreboding stone edifice and urinated into the ashtray. I wanted to be calm when I entered the building. The last time I went into a public building hopping and clutching my genitals they called the police and I ended up urinating in the squad car. When you do that, the cops beat you with nightsticks but never touch you with hands. It's so impersonal.

I was enjoying watching the few whitish butts turn yellow when a spark of pain shot from my elbow to my fingertips. The spasm caused me to whip my penis to the left. Urine splashed off the ashtray onto my slippers but I quickly corrected my aim. Laserlike precision has never been my forte. Undeterred, I tucked away and marched into lobby where I boldly marched up to the check-in desk.

"The ambulance that got here eight minutes ago was piloted by a frantic and haphazard driver with no regard for pedestrians. Not only did he nearly tip the vehicle over onto the fragrant lilacs at the corner of Chestnut and Harmon, but he also nipped my elbow with his right rear tail light as he whipped by. I demand complimentary treatment for my damaged arm and you better pray to your insurance providers that I don't sue the pizzacutters off your headbands. Now! I demand ministration!"

"Sir, please calm down. You'll be okay. Slow down and explain to me calmly what happened."

I was understandably upset and pained. My patience had completely evaporated. I tried to crawl over the counter but she hit some sort of alarm button and swiped at me with a clipboard. She lacerated my forehead and I fell backwards to the marble floor. As I lay there clutching my gushing forehead howling for a lawyer and a sewing kit, three angry barrel-shaped women with hatchet faces and short hair muscled me onto my stomach and secured my wrists behind me with plastic wire ties. I tried to bite one but she slapped me with one of her heavy slab hands and scratched my right cornea in the process.

I continued to make ruckus until I felt a needle plunge violently into my right buttock. All faded.

.................

I woke. An undetermined block of time had elapsed. My wrists felt chafed and my buttock still pulsed in agony from the barbaric stabbing I'd endured right before I lost consciousness. I moaned and tried to collect myself into a sitting position but found no energy at my disposal to accomplish the task. To my satisfaction my left arm was in a cast. I looked beyond my arm and saw a sight that made my blood run icy. I was now sharing a room with the drooling man I'd nearly choked to death the week before during my prescription acquisition mission.

It was Ed. He was awake. He'd been waiting for me to wake and see him. I could see a merry dancing light play across his lone exposed eye, and he chortled out a bubbly laughter in a high, childlike pitch. I almost shat.

I thought my day could not get worse. I was badly wrong.